Bee attitudes


As was established in the early half of the late century, bees have serious attitudes. As bees began to live closer and closer to humans, their attitudes rubbed off on humans like cradle cap on a windy day. Now you can tell what type of bee you are simply by knowing what the first bee you ever loved tasted like.

Kiwi - the James Van Der Bee

You are beloved by all, you don’t take yourself too seriously, and probably were once obsessed with Steven Spielberg when you lived on a creek.

Saffron - the Hepatitis Bee

Although you cause those you love to become jaundice you are becoming less and less popular these days, which makes you hate vaccines.

Umami - the BeeBee Netanyahu

You are a political football, and much like actual footballs, I don’t understand you, nor do I know how to throw you spirally.

Sweet and/or sour - the Jessica Beel

There was probably an episode of 7th heaven that discussed the beatitudes, but it almost seems like binge watching just to find such an episode is beyond my level of dedication to this otherwise excessively researched news article.

Cubby wubby womb room tea - the Bee Arthur

You don’t take Blanche’s shit, and your mother is actually younger than you. Sophia was the youngest. It sounds insane, but look it up.

Cardamom - Cardi Bee

You once threw a shoe at Nicki Minaj. Thus ends my knowledge of popular culture.

Swiss bisques risk fines for live dives


Very recently, Switzerland banned the practice of boiling lobsters whilst alive (whilst the lobsters are alive, not whilst you, the lobster-boiler, is alive). The same thing was banned in New Zealand in 1999, which inspired the Prince song "1999," which, notoriously, is about lobsters throwing themselves a sexy New Zealand lobster-boiling-alive ban themed party. Forgive me, I've gone astray. 

So, if you find yourself on or around the streets of Switzerland with a particularly acute crustacean craving anytime soon, be careful you don't accidentally boil your live lobster in front of any Swiss fish police. The punishment for doing so will set you back a certain amount of Swiss francs, the fish police will make all of your secret Swiss bank accounts somewhat less secret, and, if you ever thenceforth start a world war, they might decide not to be so neutral this time.

I know I won't be in trouble with the fish police anytime soon as I am no fan of seafood, and I avoid eating lobster at all costs. Mostly because of all the cost of lobster, but also because I have no clue how to open up a lobster and don't want to embarrass myself in front of all the other fine Red Lobster patrons by doing something as uncouth as trying to suck out lobster meat from its unbroken bum-shell area.

Thus ends the post. Really, if you think about it, all posts should end with the phrase "bum-shell area."

Scientific Reports reports that goldfish drink like fish

Have you ever been told you drink like a fish? According to a recent Scientific Reports report, carp and goldfish drink like their lives depend on it. When their fishbowls and/or ponds freeze over in the winter, their water becomes starved of oxygen. In non-carp animals, this would be somewhat troubling, as low levels of oxygen in your body can lead to a lethal build up of lactic acid. And a lethal build up of pretty much anything can be deadly

Lactic acid is what your muscles produce when they do muscly things, and then your body uses oxygen to break the acid down. That's why you get out of breath when you exercise. But it turns out that goldfish and carp, instead of needing oxygen, can just directly convert lactic acid into alcohol.

So, in this sitch when the fish wish to stay alive but have no oxygen, they just convert lactic acid directly to alcohol and bliss out. And, much like my Uncle Jimmy, these fish spend their winters under ice and over the legal limit. All of this is to say, I am officially dedicating the rest of my human life to evolving fish genes so that instead of running out of breath when I climb a stair or two, I just get drunk! Tired of listening to Uncle Jimmy drone on about the snowmobile traffic in the hinterlands of Newfoundland? Just casually pound out a few of my fave isometrics, and ride that wave of lactic whiskey all the way to Goldfishville. What?

And I owe it all to ewe

Audience members at this summer's annual Kellerman talent show were shocked to learn that a sheep would be performing in the final number. She was hesitant at first; however, her dance instructor, and retired pottery specter, was overheard giving the light-footed livestock a pep talk, for some reason saying, "Nobody puts baaaaa-by in a corner."

BREAKING NEWS: faceless fish has a face

This is a screen grab of a video  featuring a faceless fish that has eyes and a mouth. So, you know, a face.

This is a screen grab of a video featuring a faceless fish that has eyes and a mouth. So, you know, a face.

Maybe the scientists meant that it doesn't have a human face? Or maybe they haven't got around to looking at it from the front? Or maybe science defines face in some way that I'm unaware of? One of those must be true.

Either way, it is definitely one more thing for me to be terrified of next time I head to the Australian Abyss. Although, this is only the second fish of this species on record--the first was reportedly ogled in 1873, but it's unclear whether that one also had a face or not. If not, it was probably not the same fish.

Bee vs Cat

The roaring 20's roared in an era of bees and cats possessing items that they really never should have had. Ever since, scientists have struggled to measure what is truly better: the bee's knees or the cat's pajamas. Well, Google ngram to the rescue! As you probably suspected, up until 1996 (the year of the Spice Girls' seminal classic Wannabe) being the cat's pajamas was much more favourable than being the bee's knees. Then, undoubtedly at the hands of Y2K, the world's cat pajama distribution centers began to fail, creating a vacuum that bee's knees could naturally fill. Since 2000, the world's bees may have been dying, but the bee's knees have been flourishing!

NOTE: about 14 seconds into the Wannabe video, Baby Spice steals a homeless man's hat! Girl power?