Crime and Punishment (the statistics are the punishment)

What follows is a report on Canadian crimes over the past few years, separated by province and territory. All data is from Statistics Canada.

Apparently, people in BC have much less respect for property and animals than the rest of Canada. Just from the data, my guess is that Canada introduced a law in 2007 that makes it illegal to "utter threats to property or animal." Now, undoubtedly the law protects against people threatening your property and animals, but the way Stats Can phrases it really makes it seem like you're not allowed to threaten the property/animal directly. My guess is that most of those threats are uttered towards my brother Geoff's swimwear: "damn you, Geoff's swimwear! If you don't become less revealing, you'll be swimming with the fishes!" Geoff's swimwear: "Arrest that man!"

Also, since 2010, pretty much every province and territory has had a nearly constant level of utterances of threats to property and animals. Which makes me think that it's just the same people every year just going around threatening pencil sharpeners and shifty-eyed guinea pigs with an unreal expectation of impunity (the people have the unreal expectation, not the guinea pigs).

WTF Quebec in 2012?? In order to figure out just what was going on in Quebec in the 2012's, I looked up a lot of news articles from that time. Was there just one incident where maybe 75 people partook in the world's worst flash mob? Nope. Stats Can's comment on this was, "an additional 62 hoax terrorism incidents... occurred in Quebec in 2012 compared to 2011." My only (uninformed) explanation is that maybe some police officers in Montreal decided that they wanted to try out charging people for being hoax terrorists that year, and shortly into 2013 someone told them to knock it off.

If I were arrested every time I mischiefed, I'd have a criminal record. My guess is that "Total mischief" is something like streaking whilst shooting a cap gun and yelling out dangling modifiers. Not surprisingly, Ontario has the most "Total mischief" in Canada, but it has been on the decline for the past few years (at least up to 2015). Although, it looks like, if the trends have continued past 2015, that there's a chance Alberta has become the naughtiest province. Yep, that feels right.

Also, who would star in the movie Total Mischief? I'd like to see Melissa McCarthy and a bunch of kindergarteners take that one on (clearly, she'd be the substitute teacher by the name of Miss Chief, and Zach Galifianakis would be the principal/love interest). You're welcome, Hollywood!