Bee attitudes


As was established in the early half of the late century, bees have serious attitudes. As bees began to live closer and closer to humans, their attitudes rubbed off on humans like cradle cap on a windy day. Now you can tell what type of bee you are simply by knowing what the first bee you ever loved tasted like.

Kiwi - the James Van Der Bee

You are beloved by all, you don’t take yourself too seriously, and probably were once obsessed with Steven Spielberg when you lived on a creek.

Saffron - the Hepatitis Bee

Although you cause those you love to become jaundice you are becoming less and less popular these days, which makes you hate vaccines.

Umami - the BeeBee Netanyahu

You are a political football, and much like actual footballs, I don’t understand you, nor do I know how to throw you spirally.

Sweet and/or sour - the Jessica Beel

There was probably an episode of 7th heaven that discussed the beatitudes, but it almost seems like binge watching just to find such an episode is beyond my level of dedication to this otherwise excessively researched news article.

Cubby wubby womb room tea - the Bee Arthur

You don’t take Blanche’s shit, and your mother is actually younger than you. Sophia was the youngest. It sounds insane, but look it up.

Cardamom - Cardi Bee

You once threw a shoe at Nicki Minaj. Thus ends my knowledge of popular culture.

List of over 0.9 things you've been doing wrong your entire life!


If judginess is next to godliness, then you're doing it wrong. As the title of this post not only suggests, but also demands, is that you read the following list of over 0.9 things you've been doing wrong.

1. Putting on socks

How you put on your socks says a lot about you. For instance, if you put socks on your feet, you either hate yourself or you are desperately trying to convince yourself that socks are acceptable things to wear. They are not. Einstein (Albert, Dr.) was a notorious anti-socker, calling the godless garments "stench drenched fungal jackets." One other time, the famed Nobel laureate was overheard using the term "Uncle Carbuncle's gout cocoon of gout and toejam." Although, with that last one he might've just been discussing an actual uncle and not fungal jackets.

Anywho, do your life a favour and stop putting on socks. 

Editor's note: diabetic sock rhymes with anaphylactic shock. Coincidence?

9 words that describe millennials perfectly


Millennials are a race of superterranean humans destined by fate (and ICQ) to be mocked eternally by 42-year olds. If you've never met a millennial, you need to get out more, but less importantly, here is a list of words that perfectly describes each and every millennial alive today (and maybe one or two horses alive yesterday).

  1. Technology
    • Even though technology was invented almost two decades before the first millennial was born, millennials have wholeheartedly embraced the idea. Because no other generation has ever thought of making use of the things that were just invented.
  2. Award-winning
    • I once saw a millennial win an award for Best Triple Jump. Back in my day, we didn't give kids awards for fake sports just so they could feel special! (We gave kids awards for fake sports just to be sarcastic.)
  3. Barn-burner
    • I once watched a millennial burn down my barn. To that millennial I'll be eternally grateful.
  4. Morose
    • This is a compound word that combines the words mo money and dextrose. This means that millennials have "mo money" and consequently "mo problems," and this makes them good at liking the 6th season of Dexter (ugh!).
  5. Malapropism
    • A malapropism is when you confuse a millennial for a regular human and treat them as a non-stereotypeable person.
  6. Scoopable
    • If there's a millennial, you can bet there's also a scoop in which they will easily fit.
  7. Shake'n'flake
    • Because each millennial is as unique as a snowflake and as absorbent as a cedar shake.
  8. Millennial
    • A millennial is a person who was born before a millennium started, thus are good at things that other people are also good at. For instance, us millennials who were born between 1019-1001 BCE are notoriously good at abandoning cuneiform, inventing chairs, and predicting when messiahs will be born. 
  9. Awesome sauce
    • Is that something that the youths still say? I wish I was awesome sauce. Frowny cheeseburger emoji.

Thanks for your grandiosity


More and more theses days, it seems as though things are either awesome or the greatest or amazeballs or totes lit like goat spit. Well, at long last, someone is standing up for those that are merely grand. The following is a list of things that are grand.

  • Piano
  • Parent
  • Child
  • Canyon
  • Rapids, MI
  • Old time
  • Old Party
  • Old Rollerblade Society
  • Ole Opry
  • Theft larceny
  • Deft farceny 
  • Central Station
  • master Flash
  • ma's home cooking
  • ma's Featherbed
  • father clause
  • fathered in
  • feathered in
  • y Bachman
  • dad had to sweat so you could buy
  • Am
  • Stands
  • ola bar
  • Finale