The parsing of a lifetime


If you’re like me, you’ve probably had life experiences. I’ve had three big ones, and I’m now going to share with you the best part of all three—the words they taught me!

Life event: Wedding
Word: crinoline

I went 22 blissful years of my life before ever having anyone dare to say the word crinoline to me. But that’s what you get for participating in being married, a lifetime supply of under-dress fabric stiffiness (i.e., one crinoline).

Life event: Birth of a child
Words: episiotomy, meconium

Neither is pleasant. Thankfully, I managed to get through 32 years without knowing anything about meconium or episiotomies. If you’re not expecting a child, don’t even try googling either of these with a ten-foot pole (double that for google images)!

Life event: Buying a house
Words: fascia, parging, domestic quarrel

Okay, one of those I knew before buying a house (and is actually more than one word), but the others took me 34 years on this planet to discover. They're okay words, although they're entirely useless unless you're discussing fascia or parging with other home owners or fascia/parging fixer-uppers. And, apparently, after learning these words, that's all that remains of your once youthful and relatively resplendent life: entering into lackluster discussions/plentyluster domestic quarrels with various other homeowners about fascia, parging costs, the colour of soffit, the appropriate uses of cold cellars, are the bats getting in through the chimney?, what's that sound in the attic?, why is the attic on the front yard?, did you remember to rake the leaves out of the front yard attic?, I'M DOING IT NOW!!

As my Uncle Jimmy always says at family reunions: "Life events, and the people involved, will come and go, but the words will last a lifetime."