Bee attitudes


As was established in the early half of the late century, bees have serious attitudes. As bees began to live closer and closer to humans, their attitudes rubbed off on humans like cradle cap on a windy day. Now you can tell what type of bee you are simply by knowing what the first bee you ever loved tasted like.

Kiwi - the James Van Der Bee

You are beloved by all, you don’t take yourself too seriously, and probably were once obsessed with Steven Spielberg when you lived on a creek.

Saffron - the Hepatitis Bee

Although you cause those you love to become jaundice you are becoming less and less popular these days, which makes you hate vaccines.

Umami - the BeeBee Netanyahu

You are a political football, and much like actual footballs, I don’t understand you, nor do I know how to throw you spirally.

Sweet and/or sour - the Jessica Beel

There was probably an episode of 7th heaven that discussed the beatitudes, but it almost seems like binge watching just to find such an episode is beyond my level of dedication to this otherwise excessively researched news article.

Cubby wubby womb room tea - the Bee Arthur

You don’t take Blanche’s shit, and your mother is actually younger than you. Sophia was the youngest. It sounds insane, but look it up.

Cardamom - Cardi Bee

You once threw a shoe at Nicki Minaj. Thus ends my knowledge of popular culture.

Fordor voted Trump of the North


And there was much rejoicing?

Hodor is a lovable oaf from Game of Thrones. Fordor is an oaf from Game of Throwing Shade and Not Having a Platform. 

Hodor leads the Stark children to the Wall. Fordor leads the Progressive Conservatives (as in, "let's not get too crazy with the progressiveness") and probably is in favour of erecting a wall along the Ontario/Mexico border.

Hodor was no fan of white walkers. Fordor says: "White walkers? Get rid of the walking bit and they sound like my kinda people!"

This should be a fun (read: terrifying) 4 years! 


Wasted votes


I was wasted once while voting... sorry, not while voting—vomiting.

People describe votes that didn't help the winner win as "wasted votes." But here's the thing, "wasted votes" aren't real. Well, maybe they're real, but they don't ever exist until the election results are known.

Before and up to the moment you and everyone else is done voting, there are only two options for your vote: either your candidate loses and your vote was "wasted," or your candidate wins and the vote is whatever the opposite of wasted is... recycled? sober? But you don't know until the election is over; when hindsight kicks in like a Russian dancing burglar and lets you know whether your Schrödinger's vote was dead or alive the whole time. Does that qualify as a mixed metaphor? No, it's a metaphor mixed with a simile, y'all!

But this kind of logic (the kind that only works going backward in time (like a DeLorean stuck in reverse)) is still somewhat flawed. If you can have "wasted votes" (votes that didn't help the winner win), you can have null votes: votes that went to the winner, but an equal number of votes went to another candidate, cancelling out the original votes to the winner. The null votes didn't actually help the candidate win either, so they're wasted.

The only votes left that aren't wasted are those that went to the winner (that weren't cancelled out). If at this point there even are any non-wasted votes left, all but one of those votes were superfluous—the winning candidate didn't need all those extra votes to win. So, they too were "wasted" votes.

Hence, in every election, there can only ever be at most one vote that isn't wasted.

I like to think of that as my vote. You should too!


P.S. If you are going to throw your vote away this coming election season, why not throw it in the Green bin?

Swiss bisques risk fines for live dives


Very recently, Switzerland banned the practice of boiling lobsters whilst alive (whilst the lobsters are alive, not whilst you, the lobster-boiler, is alive). The same thing was banned in New Zealand in 1999, which inspired the Prince song "1999," which, notoriously, is about lobsters throwing themselves a sexy New Zealand lobster-boiling-alive ban themed party. Forgive me, I've gone astray. 

So, if you find yourself on or around the streets of Switzerland with a particularly acute crustacean craving anytime soon, be careful you don't accidentally boil your live lobster in front of any Swiss fish police. The punishment for doing so will set you back a certain amount of Swiss francs, the fish police will make all of your secret Swiss bank accounts somewhat less secret, and, if you ever thenceforth start a world war, they might decide not to be so neutral this time.

I know I won't be in trouble with the fish police anytime soon as I am no fan of seafood, and I avoid eating lobster at all costs. Mostly because of all the cost of lobster, but also because I have no clue how to open up a lobster and don't want to embarrass myself in front of all the other fine Red Lobster patrons by doing something as uncouth as trying to suck out lobster meat from its unbroken bum-shell area.

Thus ends the post. Really, if you think about it, all posts should end with the phrase "bum-shell area."

List of over 0.9 things you've been doing wrong your entire life!


If judginess is next to godliness, then you're doing it wrong. As the title of this post not only suggests, but also demands, is that you read the following list of over 0.9 things you've been doing wrong.

1. Putting on socks

How you put on your socks says a lot about you. For instance, if you put socks on your feet, you either hate yourself or you are desperately trying to convince yourself that socks are acceptable things to wear. They are not. Einstein (Albert, Dr.) was a notorious anti-socker, calling the godless garments "stench drenched fungal jackets." One other time, the famed Nobel laureate was overheard using the term "Uncle Carbuncle's gout cocoon of gout and toejam." Although, with that last one he might've just been discussing an actual uncle and not fungal jackets.

Anywho, do your life a favour and stop putting on socks. 

Editor's note: diabetic sock rhymes with anaphylactic shock. Coincidence?

The End of the Ice Wage Gap


It has often been said: "In a world where fingernail clippings are currency, women would only be allowed 7.8 fingers for every 10 man fingers." Which undoubtedly would wreak havoc on the unisex glove industry (less so in the mitten world, aka Michigan).

Well, thankfully, such is no longer the case in Iceland! Icelandic companies are now legally required to pay men and women equal pay for equal work. As my uncle Jimmy would say, Attaboy, Iceladies! Since, I assume, the law will have to go both ways, I have already bought myself a one way ticket to Reykjavik and fitted myself for a man-swan dress. I'm soo getting me some of that sweet, sweet Björk pay equity!  

Also... is it possible to wreak anything other than havoc? You rarely hear of philanthropists wreaking joy and goodwill and mittens in the inner city. 

9 words that describe millennials perfectly


Millennials are a race of superterranean humans destined by fate (and ICQ) to be mocked eternally by 42-year olds. If you've never met a millennial, you need to get out more, but less importantly, here is a list of words that perfectly describes each and every millennial alive today (and maybe one or two horses alive yesterday).

  1. Technology
    • Even though technology was invented almost two decades before the first millennial was born, millennials have wholeheartedly embraced the idea. Because no other generation has ever thought of making use of the things that were just invented.
  2. Award-winning
    • I once saw a millennial win an award for Best Triple Jump. Back in my day, we didn't give kids awards for fake sports just so they could feel special! (We gave kids awards for fake sports just to be sarcastic.)
  3. Barn-burner
    • I once watched a millennial burn down my barn. To that millennial I'll be eternally grateful.
  4. Morose
    • This is a compound word that combines the words mo money and dextrose. This means that millennials have "mo money" and consequently "mo problems," and this makes them good at liking the 6th season of Dexter (ugh!).
  5. Malapropism
    • A malapropism is when you confuse a millennial for a regular human and treat them as a non-stereotypeable person.
  6. Scoopable
    • If there's a millennial, you can bet there's also a scoop in which they will easily fit.
  7. Shake'n'flake
    • Because each millennial is as unique as a snowflake and as absorbent as a cedar shake.
  8. Millennial
    • A millennial is a person who was born before a millennium started, thus are good at things that other people are also good at. For instance, us millennials who were born between 1019-1001 BCE are notoriously good at abandoning cuneiform, inventing chairs, and predicting when messiahs will be born. 
  9. Awesome sauce
    • Is that something that the youths still say? I wish I was awesome sauce. Frowny cheeseburger emoji.

The parsing of a lifetime


If you’re like me, you’ve probably had life experiences. I’ve had three big ones, and I’m now going to share with you the best part of all three—the words they taught me!

Life event: Wedding
Word: crinoline

I went 22 blissful years of my life before ever having anyone dare to say the word crinoline to me. But that’s what you get for participating in being married, a lifetime supply of under-dress fabric stiffiness (i.e., one crinoline).

Life event: Birth of a child
Words: episiotomy, meconium

Neither is pleasant. Thankfully, I managed to get through 32 years without knowing anything about meconium or episiotomies. If you’re not expecting a child, don’t even try googling either of these with a ten-foot pole (double that for google images)!

Life event: Buying a house
Words: fascia, parging, domestic quarrel

Okay, one of those I knew before buying a house (and is actually more than one word), but the others took me 34 years on this planet to discover. They're okay words, although they're entirely useless unless you're discussing fascia or parging with other home owners or fascia/parging fixer-uppers. And, apparently, after learning these words, that's all that remains of your once youthful and relatively resplendent life: entering into lackluster discussions/plentyluster domestic quarrels with various other homeowners about fascia, parging costs, the colour of soffit, the appropriate uses of cold cellars, are the bats getting in through the chimney?, what's that sound in the attic?, why is the attic on the front yard?, did you remember to rake the leaves out of the front yard attic?, I'M DOING IT NOW!!

As my Uncle Jimmy always says at family reunions: "Life events, and the people involved, will come and go, but the words will last a lifetime."

Church and state sponsored silencing of scientists

    aka, The pipsqueak shall annihilate the Earth.


    Scott Pruitt alluded to the Book of Joshua on Tuesday when he banned EPA funded scientists from advising on EPA science advisory boards.

    First! This means that any scientist who has ever received money from the EPA is no longer allowed to have a say in what direction the EPA takes. This is a move that sidesteps a vital facet of scientific progress—peer review. It means that those most qualified to assess the science are almost guaranteed to have no say in how to fund, improve, and/or further environmental science within the EPA. It's like if instead of being judged by a jury of your peers, you were required to be judged by a jury of coal-hungry gibbons. So... that's terrible.

    Okay, now the biblical aspect of all this. In principle, I have no problem with people referencing or alluding to religious text when discussing science. As long as the religion is not actually influencing or attempting to inform the science, allude away! But Pruitt's Joshua reference was used entirely out of context, and was nothing but lip-service to a zealous minority and a cock-block to humans who want protection from industrial pollution.

    In fact, Joshua is probably the worst book of the Bible to reference when discussing environmental science, as it's often used as an example of why you can't use the Bible to inform science (literalists may argue that the Sun revolves around the Earth, as Joshua made the sun stand still, as opposed to having the Earth stop rotating).

    This ban on peer review is yet another obstacle overcome in Pruitt's quest to render the EPA entirely feckless. After he's done with it, the EPA will legally be required to give exactly zero fecks about the environment.